Because if you think about it, Blaine's had a pretty good life, clearly we need more angst for him.
Blaine:Hey this is pretty cool I can pass off as straight.
RIB:Yeah no people are going to bully you so hard you'll have to take up boxing.
Blaine:Okay yeah, boxing will help me keep my anger in check, I can totally manage this.
RIB:Yeah that's great we're going to give you a friend, he's gay and out.
Blaine:Hey that's great he can help me come out, I'll ask him to the dance, it'll be great. We'll dance and talk and a laugh and maybe I'll get my first real kiss.
RIB:Yeah no you get the crap beaten out of you after the dance.
Blaine:Ouch. Okay. Maybe it'll get my dad's attention?
RIB:It will. He's in denial and going to try and turn you straight.
Blaine:Wow. That's awful what about-
RIB:No you're traumatized so you get to run away from your problems and hide in Dalton.
Blaine:Oh. Well at least I'll be safe. Hey, I can start the Dalton branch of fight club! It'll be great.
RIB:Yeah we're making you lead soloist as well.
Blaine:That's fantastic, just the attention I crave to fill up the void my parent's neglect left in me.
RIB:Yeah you also get to serenade this super cute guy, his name's Kurt.
Blaine:Oh wow. He's beautiful. Like a broken angel. Can I kiss him?
RIB:NO. God no.
Blaine:Oh, well can I-
RIB:No. Here give him your picture to hang up in his locker.
Blaine:Isn't that a bit arrogant.
RIB:Yeah. You also have to tell him to confront his bully.
Blaine:What? That's horrible, he could get hurt!
Blaine:Wow. Now look what you did. You broke him even more.
RIB:Shut up, he gets to move to Dalton.
Blaine:Oh, well I suppose that's okay. Can we be together now?
RIB:No but you get to sing Baby It's Cold Outside with him. Make it really flirty. AND STOP LOOKING AT HIS LIPS JFC.
Blaine:I really want to kiss him, can I? The timing's perfect.
RIB:No no. But you have to lead him on. Make him fall for you. Hard.
RIB:No. Now go serenade that douche bag from the GAP.
Baine:But I don't even like him all that much, all we talked about when we went to coffee was Kurt can't I just-
RIB:Do it. Make sure the song is sexual and inappropriate
Blaine:Oh my God. Look what you did. Kurt looks miserable. Oh my God he's telling me that he likes me. CAN I KISS HIM NOW?
RIB:No. Sit your ass down. And then go to that party with Kurt.
Blaine:Oh at least that'll be fun.
RIB:Yeah you have to get super trashed.
Blaine:Will I make a move on Kurt?
RIB:No but you get to kiss Rachel.
Blaine:EW BUT I'M GAY.
RIB:Too bad. Do it. And then ask her out on a date.
Blaine:No please. I'm gay. I LIKE COCK. I went through so much to be myself don't take this away from me.
RIB:Too bad. Oh btw Kurt's going to flip his shit and you're going to fight over it.
Blaine:I hate it when Kurt's mad.
RIB:Yeah you have to walk out on him too.
Blaine:But I would never do that.
RIB:Do it. Now when Rachel kisses you tell her that you're gay but also tell her to hold your place in line.
Blaine:That's a terrible thing to do.
RIB:DO YOU WANT TO BE GAY OR NOT?
Blaine:Fine. GOSH. Can I at least get together with Kurt?
RIB:No but you have to teach him about sex.
Blaine:Oh my God that's so awkward. Oh my GOD he's kicking me out of his room LOOK WHAT YOU DID.
RIB:Shut up. Now go tell his dad to give him a sex talk.
Blaine:What?! That's ridiculous that's overstepping I refuse I won't I-
Blaine:I hate you.
RIB:You won't be saying that next week.
Blaine:Why? What is it? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
RIB:Kurt's bird's going to die.
Blaine:WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? PAV WAS A GOOD BIRD.
RIB:Oh be quiet you get to kiss Kurt and you make a big emotional speech.
Blaine:That's fantastic. Oh my God. Me and Kurt are perfect together. Oh wow. It was so worth the wait. I'm so glad we get to be together this is amazing I can't-
RIB:Yeah he moves back to Mickenly.
RIB:Actually yeah go serenade him.
Blaine:This is going to be terrible.
RIB:Don't worry you get to go to prom with him.
Blaine:But what about what happened last dance I don't think I can do it.
RIB:You have to. Everything's going to be fine.
Blaine:YOU SAID EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE THIS IS NOT FINE LOOK AT HIM HE'S HEARTBROKEN WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS.
RIB:Shut up it builds character. Speaking of character continuity, you move to Micknley to be with him.
Blaine:But what about the Warblers, those guys are my friends.
Blaine:Fine. I'll make new friends.
RIB:LOL NO. New Directions hate you and Finn's going to tell you to sit down all the time.
Blaine:But Finn likes me.
RIB:Yeah summer's over buddy.
Blaine:Well at least I get to be with Kurt and we can graduate together.
RIB:Oh didn't you hear, you're a junior now.
Blaine:What but that doesn't make any sense what about-
RIB:And you get the lead in the musical.
Blaine:What but Kurt wanted that you-
RIB:Yeah he loses the elections as well.
Blaine:No but he-
RIB:Also Sam's back and you blow up at him and beat the crap out of a punching bag.
Blaine:What but me and Sam could be such good friends why-
RIB:Also Sebsatians going to continuously insult Kurt and hit on you in front of him
Blaine:Ew I don't even like Sebastian can't I tell him to fuck off
RIB:No sit there and take it. Also go to Scandals with Kurt.
Blaine:Great, a place we can be ourselves.
RIB:Yeah now dance with Sebastian
Blaine:What but I want to dance with Kurt
RIB:Fine. Now get drunk and try to get him to have sex with you in the back of a car.
Blaine:What?! But I have plans BIG PLANS THERE WAS GOING TO BE CANDLES.
RIB:CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER.
RIB:Actually yeah, you get a heartbreaking scene in the auditorium. It'll make everyone cry and Kurt will have sex with you.
RIB:Also you give him a promise ring.
Blaine:But what about-
RIB:It's fine we won't actually air it in the episode.
Blaine:But I worked so hard on that ring.
RIB:Sucks to be you. btw. Warblers are going to stab you in the back. kbye.
RIB:Doesn't matter. They're going to throw a tampered slushy at you.
Blaine:oh GOD IT HURTS.
RIB:Yeah you need surgery.
Blaine:But I don't like the hospital and what about Valentines day I had all these plans.
RIB:Yeah you still get to surprise Kurt, it's sweet. Also Kurt's applying to NY start getting emotional about it.
Blaine:Can I sing?
RIB:Sure sing Cough Syrup. Also Dave tries to kill himself.
Blaine:BUT WHY THAT'S HORRIBLE.
RIB:Yeah and Kurt's going to feel guilty about it.
Blaine:Oh my God.
RIB:yeah and Rachel and FInn are getting married meanwhile you sit and dream of a time where you at least have the option.
Blaine:Are you done yet?
RIB:Almost. Quinn gets hit by a car.
Blaine:I hate you. How do people still watch this show.
RIB:We're done for now.
RIB:........ You get a brother.
Blaine:Oh good. Is he on my side? Are we close? Do we tease other? And have inside jokes? Does he meet Kurt and love him just as much as I do because Kurt makes me happy? Is he the best big brother in the world? Do we have lots of memories? Is he going to help me with everything? And be there for me when Kurt leaves? Is he going to call me out when I'm freaking out and make sure I remain calm? Is he everything I need when dad isn't there for me? Does he love me forever and ever?
RIB:What? That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. Of course not.
Blaine:God. THEN WHAT?
RIB:More angst. I mean. Your life's been pretty good so far.
Woman:I cannot afford to have a child right now. Can I have birth control?
Woman:I got pregnant but I cannot afford to have a child and I'm not ready to be a parent. Can I have an abortion?
Woman:I had the child, but I cannot afford to raise him. Will you help me out?
Woman:I guess I'll have to give my child up for adoption.
Barry and Steve:We would love to raise your child. We have been in a committed relationship for 15 years. We have steady careers and are very successful and financially stable. We love children and wish to provide a loving nurturing environment for your child. Would you be willing to give your child to us?
Woman:Sure, as long as it's ok with the government.
it’s literally painful watching other people use the internet like oh god why are you using internet explorer no you dont have to double click everything why are you typing google.com into the google search bar oh my fucking christ step away from the computer